His name was Johnny Peabody Umberto, and he was known as the greatest little pizza
maker in town. Well, at least that’s the story. You see, I’ve been fine dining at Umberto’s
pizzeria for over 20 years. I’ve seen its ups and downs and quite frankly, its lefts and rights.
And when it’s right… oh baby is it right.
Umbertos starts all their pizzas off with a handmade crust from real Italian flour called
Possimino flour which is grown in the Nipole region of southern Italy. The dough rises
quickly and at exactly 46 seconds after it’s rise, Johnny pours a delicious canned red sauce
onto the dough. Next they sprinkle cheese on top of the sauce, which is what you normally
do when you make a pizza but something is different here. They hand drop each single
piece of cheese one by one to make sure no cheese is touching another piece.
Thats’s because Johnny was beaten mercilessly by his step mother, Fraglin, when he
was a child. If he let any piece of food touch another piece of food on his plate he would be
placed into an empty oil barrel for three days with no food or water.
Next comes the frozen toppings. Frozen mushrooms and frozen peppers from
Walmart. Thawed out in the oven atop the pie. And oh what a pie it is.
After fifteen minutes in the oven they pull it out with a Jallice Plate and slice it into six
perfect pieces, sliding it slowly and gently into the pizza box. They make sure not to ram it too
hard into the box as the box is delicate and tender from being made of recycled cardboard.
The box also can get too wet from the sliding so they put a layer of cardboard or wax paper
in between the pie and the box.
Then it’s all yours to devour. Bite after bite will make your hair stand up and your feet
wiggle with delight. All organic and made with the love of Jehovah, this pizza is worth every
hard earned penny. Tell ‘em Bartholomew said hi and you’ll get a side of breadsticks free.
Catch ya on the flipped side of a burger – Bartholomew Lidturner